


Should I Look?

by Ilene_May



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, marauders - Fandom
Genre: Birthdays, Gift Giving, M/M, Soulmates AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-22
Updated: 2016-07-22
Packaged: 2018-07-26 03:09:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7557838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ilene_May/pseuds/Ilene_May
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When you turn sixteen, you choose to see who your soulmate is. The system isn't perfect. Some people aren't Matches, and some people don't have a soulmate at all, but if you don't look on your birthday, you'll never get another chance.</p>
<p>Remus Lupin is about to turn sixteen, and he can't decide whether or not he wants to look. He already knows that he can't be Matched with the only person he wants, so what's the point if all it'll result in is unhappiness?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Should I Look?

You have one chance to find your soulmate. One chance, and if you miss it, that’s it. You’ll be left wondering for the rest of your life who they were, and if they chose to find out. Are they your spouse, or are they your best friend? Are they mad at you for not finding out? Many people who choose not to go insane, consumed by all the what-ifs.

 ~~~

“So?” Sirius Black asked, throwing himself into one of the couches by the fire. The Gryffindor Common Room was always near full on a Friday evening, so finding such a seat was very exciting indeed.

“So what?” Remus Lupin looked up from his book, thoroughly confused.

“Are you planning on looking?” Sirius explained, focusing on Remus. The werewolf always found it unnerving when Sirius did that. He generally bestowed only a fraction of his attention on any one thing at any one time, and being the object of his full attention was vaguely stressful. “Your birthday’s on Sunday. I’d have thought you’d know by now.”

“Oh, I don’t know. It’s a rather weighty decision, isn’t it?” Remus said. That was a lie. He knew exactly what he was going to do. Remus did not want a soulmate. No one in their right mind would want to be stuck with a werewolf for the rest of their life, and if Remus didn’t know who they were, they would never have to be (and yes that was the real reason thank-you-very-much). “Besides, it isn’t always reliable. Peter didn’t have anyone, and there’s no guaranty that it’ll be a Match.” 

“But aren’t you curious?” Sirius pressed. “It could be anyone!”

“That’s why I don’t want to know,” Remus said with a smirk. “What if it’s Lily?”

Sirius paled. “Don’t even joke about that. James would kill you. He really would.”

“Why would James kill Remus?” Peter asked, joining the two boys by the fire. “Shove over, will you, Pads?”

“Lily could be Remus’ soulmate,” Sirius said in a hushed tone, shifting to give Peter room.

“If it is, don’t tell him,” Peter said instantly, eyes wide. “Make something up. Say you don’t know who they are!”

“I don’t know if I want to find out,” Remus said quietly, looking down at his lap. It was kind of taboo to talk about not finding out who your soulmate was, even though plenty of people didn’t.

“What?”

“Shut up, Sirius,” Peter chastised, hitting his friend on the head. Turning to Remus, he said, “That’s fine, Moony, I get it. If you don’t want to know, that’s your choice. Even if you do know, you might never meet them and end up wasting a bunch of time trying to. 

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, unusually quiet. “If you don’t want to find out, that’s your choice.”

The other two soon turned to new topics, but Remus continued to think about what he should do. Peter had made a really good point. Knowing who your soulmate was didn’t mean you’d live happily ever after with them. You might hate them, or you might never find them, although the four boys didn’t talk about that much. Sirius had been the first of them to turn sixteen, and, when asked, said that he didn’t know his soulmate.

And that was the real reason why Remus didn’t want to know who his was. He’d been nursing a crush on his friend for about two years, and, even though he’d always told himself not to, had hoped that Sirius might be his soulmate. When he’d heard that Sirius didn’t know the person, he was devastated. He didn’t know if having Sirius as his soulmate would make it better or worse. On the one hand, Remus would know that he wasn’t being unfair to his soulmate by falling in love with someone else, but on the other hand, it was impossible for it to be a Match, meaning Remus would lose his one chance at happiness. Better to not know than to be guaranteed unhappiness in one form or another.

 ~~~

The fire had long since turned into glowing embers, and the Common Room was almost empty. Only two people remained, one pacing the room anxiously while the other tried (and failed) to talk some sense into him.

“Sirius, calm down,” James soothed.

“Don’t tell me to calm down!” Sirius all but shouted, fully in panic mode. “He’s not going to look!”

“Sure he is.”

“No, he’s not!” Sirius cried, ceasing his pacing. “He’s going to let the day pass without checking, and he’ll never know who his soulmate is, which means I’ll never know if we’re a Match!”

James opened his mouth, closed it, and appeared to go into thought. Sirius ignored him, preferring to worry about his situation.

When Sirius had turned sixteen, he had been so eager to find out whom his soulmate was. He was tired of feeling so alone, and he wanted to know who could make him stop feeling like that. He didn’t even particularly care if it was a Match or not. He would have been fine if they had a platonic relationship instead and his soulmate married someone else. He just wanted _someone_.

Then he found out who his soulmate was. He had been alone in the dorm, thinking about how he wanted to see his soulmate when the vision started. He’d seen the Common Room, and had been confused until the image started focusing on one particular person: Remus. When the vision went away, Sirius’ attitude had changed. Remus deserved the very best, and Sirius would give that to him, no matter the personal cost.

“Does it matter?” James finally asked, breaking in on his morose thoughts. “If he doesn’t know that his soulmate _isn’t_ you, then it really doesn’t matter if you just ask him out.” 

“But that’s not what he deserves,” argued Sirius. Once he started really noticing Remus, it hadn’t taken long for Sirius to fall in love with him, but he refused do anything about it until he knew whom Remus’ soulmate was. If it weren’t Sirius, then he would be the best damn friend Remus ever had, even if it killed him (and it probably would). “I can’t take his soulmate away from him, James, I just can’t. I don’t care if he doesn’t know who it is. His perfect person would be out there-“

“And who is going to ever care about him more than you?” James exclaimed sounding fully exasperated. It had taken him all of two weeks to deduce the reason why Sirius was acting so strange around Remus (how could he not?), and ever since he’d become Sirius’ Romantic Consultant. “Look, if he doesn’t want to find out, then you are going to do _something_ because I cannot put up with your incessant pining!”

“That’s pretty hypocritical,” Sirius snarked, “considering all the time I’ve spent listening to you whinge about Evens. 

“I do,” James graciously admitted, “but the difference is I don’t know if I have a chance with her. Remus is your soulmate.”

“Then what should I do?” Sirius asked, slumping into one of the many overstuffed armchairs. “I want to be there for him, but _how_?”

“However he wants,” James answered firmly. “You are going to give him whatever he wants from you.”

“Okay,” Sirius whispered. He knew there was no way Remus would want him romantically, which might kill him, but he would be there in every Remus wanted, no matter what.

 ~~~ 

_Birthdays_ , Remus thought as he sat down for breakfast Sunday morning, _are strange. Why do we celebrate the day we were born? And why is there so much attention?_

“Remuuuuuussssss,” Sirius whined, waving his hand in front of the werewolf’s face.

“Huh?” he said intelligently.

“You’re doing the thing again,” James sighed, buttering his toast.

“What thing?” Remus asked, feeling that he was missing something.

“The thing where you space off and stop paying attention,” Peter responded. “You’re not allowed to do that today.”

“But it’s my birthday,” Remus reminded them.

“Exactly!” James declared as though that had won him the argument. “And you should be present and enjoying it!”

Remus opened his mouth, thought better of it, and closed it again. He was enjoying his birthday as much as he could, what with it being his sixteenth and all. There was just no hope of explaining it to James, who deemed birthdays to be a time of extreme merriment and no rules.

“He can enjoy it however he wants,” Sirius reminded James with an eye roll. “It’s _his_ birthday, not yours, which means it’s going to be a _Mooney_ -type day, not a James-type one.”

Remus sighed as James immediately began objecting, marking the beginning of yet another bickering session. It wasn’t that he was against _all_ birthday merriment; he was just preoccupied with the whole soulmate mess. Shaking himself out of his less-than-cheery thoughts, Remus became aware that Peter was looking at him.

“What?” he said slightly ungraciously. In his defense, it was rather difficult to sound gracious with his mouth full of bacon.

“You should look, you know,” Peter said quietly, stealing the butter from a distracted James. “I know why you don’t really want to -“

“No, you don’t,” Remus cut in, suddenly feeling tired.

“Oh yes I bloody well do,” Peter shot back. “I’m not blind.” Seeing Remus begin to redden, he quickly tacked on, “It doesn’t matter. Soulmates don’t have to be anything you don’t want them to be. I’m just saying it’s better to know.” Finished, the boy resumed buttering his toast and trying to keep his cereal away from James’ elbow.

_I suppose he’s right_ , Remus mused, returning to his own breakfast while trying to ignore the row happening to his right. _He_ would _know. I mean, he doesn’t have one, but he seems happier knowing than he would have been not knowing._

“Oi, Re, you paying attention?” James threw at the poor boy, who immediately started pretending to have been giving slight notice to what had been occurring around him. “We were thinking about going outside.”

“In March?” Remus asked, nose scrunching up in distaste. “I think not.”

“Told you,” Sirius stuck his tongue out at James.

“Well it was worth asking!” James replied, slightly miffed.

“Not if Sirius said it wasn’t,” Peter cut in, smirking. James caught his friend’s eye and smirked back, realization dawning on his face.

“Excuse me?” Sirius said, beginning to stand up, volume rising. “I will have you know –“

“And _that_ ,” Remus interrupted forcefully as he pulled Sirius back into his seat, “is enough, thank you. We will under _no_ circumstances be going outside, and I will _not_ be happy if _any_ of you three idiots have decided I want something illegal for my birthday.”

“Relax, Mooney,” James smiled, sharing a sneaky sort of glance with Peter. “Everything’s perfectly legal this year. Promise.”

Muttering darkly, Remus stood up. “I am heading back to the dorm, where I will grab a book and go to the Common Room to read it. If I am interrupted by something stupid, I will not be held responsible for whatever bodily harm might befall you.” Turning away from his friends and exiting the Grand Hall, Remus once again wondered why he bothered being friends with them at all. It wasn’t that he didn’t enjoy them; they were just an exceptional pain in the arse to deal with.

 ~~~

Later that afternoon, the four boys were gathered around Remus’ bed, about to commence with the most important (and eventful) event of any Marauder’s birthday: the gift giving. 

“Really,” Remus began apprehensively, “you didn’t have to get me anything. In fact, I would have been extremely happy with nothing. It would have been a treat!”

“Come on, Moons, they won’t bite,” James reassured.

The other three winced, remembering that particular disaster from the previous year. It had taken them weeks to find the salamander, and even then they’d only found it because it’d blown up.

“Err, right,” Remus mumbled, not feeling even vaguely reassured (Really, James was so awful at it. Why did they keep letting him try?).

“Mine first,” Peter happily declared, shoving a brightly papered parcel at the poor birthday boy. “Don’t worry, you’ll like it.”

Remus cautiously unwrapped the gift. Peter _was_ the best at finding gifts that wouldn’t cause heart attacks, but living with the Marauders for four years and some made one inclined to proceed with caution no matter the circumstances.

“Oh,” Remus said in both surprise and confusion. He looked at the hat and scarf set in his lap, at Peter, then back at the knitwear. “But… I… how…”

Peter looked pleased. “I saw you needed a new hat, and all your sweaters seem to be from that brand.”

“Thank you,” Remus said, still looking between the gift and his friend. He never failed to be surprised by Peter’s astuteness.

“Me next!” James all but shouted, pushing his gift at Remus and then sitting back, beaming.

“Oh, you shouldn’t have,” Remus said weakly, looking in dismay at James’ grin.

“You haven’t even seen what it is yet!” James insisted bouncing slightly.

“I know,” Remus said in quiet defeat, opening the box in trepidation. His worried look grew more evident as the box let out a small shiver. “James? Are you sure this is _safe_?”

“Of course it is!" 

“Funny, that’s what you said about the salamander,” Sirius said, scooting away from the box.

Knowing it’d be better to get it over quickly (oh, how he hated surprises), Remus flung open the box and blinked down at what appeared to be a book. “James?”

“It’s this new book _Hogwarts: A History_ ,” he declared cheerfully.

“Why was it twitching?” Remus asked, inspecting the book. It _looked_ safe enough.

“Oh, that was me,” Peter grinned. “I wanted to scare you a bit.”

“That was cruel,” Remus said with a small smile as he put the book aside. He’d have to read it when he got the chance. “Thank you, Prongs.”

“No problem! Pads, you’re up.”

“All right, one moment,” Sirius said, standing up.

“What’s he doing?” Remus asked as they watched Sirius clear off his bedside table, stand on, and start rummaging through his bed hangings.

“Dunno, but it looks dusty,” James answered, looking vaguely disgusted. Remus privately agreed. That much dust was a hazard.

“Found it!” Sirius declared, pulling a large gift from his curtains. Remus wasn’t entirely sure how it had been up there without collapsing the bed. Sirius hauled it out, inspected it, blew some dust off the red and gold wrapping paper, and trotted back to Remus’ bed, package in tow. Flopping down (and crushing James and Peter in the process), he handed the gift to Remus.

“Thanks, Padfoot,” Remus said tentatively. James wasn’t the only one not good at gift giving.

“Go on, open it,” Sirius insisted, propping himself up on his elbows.

Remus shook the package. Failing to hear anything explode, he deemed it safe to open and began peeling off the decorative paper. Judging by the shoddy wrapping job, Sirius had done it himself, which brought a small smile to Remus’ face. Once he finished with the wrappings, Remus found himself facing a sturdy-looking wooden box. He glanced over at Sirius, who was fidgeting. He turned back to the box and hesitantly opened the lid.

“Whoa,” James breathed, leaning over Remus’ shoulder. 

_Whoa is right_ , Remus though, gently lifting the globe-sized orb from it’s protective packaging.

“Its for stargazing,” Sirius blurted out, tugging at his jumper’s sleeve. “I know you like stars, and I thought you’d like a way to look at them without seeing the moon.”

And sure enough, when Remus took a closer look, he found the moon to be missing. “Do the stars change with the seasons?” he asked, turning the device over.

“Yup,” Sirius answered with a shaky smile. “Do you like it?”

“Shh,” Remus replied, not taking his eyes off the orb. _How does he do this? Just magically come up with the perfect gift?_

“Alright, star boy,” James announced, taking the orb despite vocal and not so vocal complaints. “There’s one more thing you get for your sixteenth. I know you don’t really want it, don’t deny it, but we’re still going to leave you alone for a bit, and you can give the matter serious, uninterrupted thought, and then you can do whatever you want. We’ll be in the Common Room.”

And with that, James proceeded to usher both Sirius and Peter out the door, leaving Remus alone with his thoughts.

This was the part of the day he’d been dreading. He’d half hoped that the others would have let it go or forgotten, but he knew they wouldn’t. It just wasn’t fair! What could he _possibly_ have to gain from finding out? He’d either be in love with someone who wasn’t his soulmate, or he wouldn’t be his soulmate’s soulmate. It was truly a lose-lose situation.

“But its not fair to them,” Remus reasoned, pacing. “I’d be destroying their potential happiness as well. Maybe I’ll be like Peter! He seems plenty happy, and if I don’t have a soulmate, I don’t have a problem!”

Feeling satisfied with his reasoning, he sat down on his bed. And then stood back up. “But on the other hand, what if I _do_ have one? I can’t very well pretend they don’t exist! That’s even worse! But I also can’t let them be stuck with me! I won’t look. It’s the best choice.”

The young werewolf started walking to the door, only to turn back around and put his head in his hands. “What am I doing? I can’t just not find out. I’ll always be curious. Okay, just one quick peek.”

Knowing that it was the only way for him to be happy, Remus sat down on his bed and closed his eyes. He really had no idea what to do. He should have asked. He started to get up so that he could ask Peter what he was supposed to do, but quickly aborted the motion. This was his soulmate! He could figure it out.

Taking a deep breath, Remus shut his eyes again. Almost instinctively, he began to clear his mind of all thoughts except his curiosity about his soulmate’s identity. As his mind cleared, that curiosity grew louder and louder until it was all the boy could think of. The power of that one single thought increased, and right as Remus began to think he’d go deaf from the racket inside his head, it changed. 

Suddenly Remus found himself in the Common Room, but everyone was frozen. There was no movement, no sound. There was only stillness and light. Fragments of red and gold light danced between Remus’ fellow Gryffindors, slowly moving and gathering around one person in particular. Remus followed the darting lights, watching them frolic in and out of the various people in wonder, pondering if he liked whomever they were leading him to. He followed the lights to the brightest spot, and everything else fell away. 

It was Sirius. Remus stumbled back, but even as he tried to process what he was seeing through the shock, he felt unsurprised, as if he had always known. And in a way Remus supposed he had. It felt right, whatever it was, easy, like slipping into a warm bath. And as the young boy came to that conclusion, the vision faded away, leaving Remus alone in the dormitory.

 ~~~ 

Back in the Common Room, the other three Marauders were beginning to feel restless.

“It shouldn’t be taking him this long,” Sirius muttered, tapping his leg anxiously. “He should be done by now.”

“Remus isn’t you, Padfoot,” Peter said, his voice betraying his own worries. “Besides, it’s different for everyone.”

“He’s going to choose to look,” James reassured Sirius, patting his shoulder. “You know Mooney, he doesn’t know how to leave something alone.”

“I think it’ll be a Match,” Peter announced with a slight smile.”

“What?” Sirius exclaimed, snapping his head around to face his friend.

“You two are too close to be anything else,” the boy elaborated with a shrug. “It makes sense.”

Sirius looked furious. “I never said _anything_ -”

“You didn’t have to,” James interrupted with a fond sigh. “It’s not really something you can hide.”

“I’m going to go check on him,” Sirius abruptly stood up, quickly cutting through the Common Room. He heard his friends saying something as he left, but he didn’t really care.

Sirius got to the bottom of the stairs leading up to the dormitory and paused. What if Peter was wrong and it wasn’t a Match? He’d do anything to make Remus happy, but Sirius privately thought he wouldn’t be able to cope with it. There were days he wished he hadn’t fallen quite so hard for the werewolf. 

Shaking his head in an effort to get rid of his doubts, Sirius moved up the staircase and down the short hallway to his dorm. Pushing the door open, Sirius called out for his roommate.

~~~

“Remus?”

Remus felt a bolt of panic rip through him as he heard Sirius’s voice. His soulmate’s voice.

“How the bloody hell am I supposed to say that?”

“What?” Sirius asked, moving softly over to where Remus was sprawled out. The werewolf made a gesture telling Sirius to sit down. “Actually, never mind. Did you look?” 

“What do you think?” Remus asked, not completely aware of what he was saying. He was trying to quell the rising hysteria in him, which didn’t really leave much room for conversation.

“Is that a yes?” Sirius said quietly.

Remus looked over at him and was surprised by how nervous the other boy looked. “What’s wrong?”

“Who said anything’s wrong?”

“You look nervous.” Remus sat up. “You never look nervous unless something’s wrong. So, are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”

“Can I say no?” Sirius asked.

All activity in Remus’ brain (which was really an exceptional amount) ground to a halt. “Sirius, please tell me.”

Sirius let out a shaky breath that did nothing for Remus’ mental state. “I lied, okay? I lied because it was better than telling the truth, but now it might not be, and if it isn’t better, then how the hell am I supposed to tell you the truth?”

Remus felt like he should be saying something, but he couldn’t understand what Sirius was talking about. “I don’t know?”

“I _can’t_ ,” Sirius said in almost a whisper. “I can’t because you’ll think I’m pulling your leg even though I’m _not_ , I’ve never been more serious in my life. But you’re Remus, so you won’t believe me. You won’t believe me.”

“Pads,” Remus said, highly confused, “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Who’s your soulmate?” Sirius asked, avoiding Remus’ question.

“ _What_?” Remus squeaked. _No, no, no, no, no, no. What do I say? What_ can _I say? Why didn’t I think up some lie?_

“I know you looked,” Sirius continued in an uncharacteristically flat voice. “You never can leave a question unanswered. So who is it?”

“Um,” Remus floundered, trying to think of some answer that wouldn’t make the other boy insanely uncomfortable.

“I know mine,” Sirius said.

Remus stopped trying to come up with a lie. “I know,” he said slowly. Sirius had told all of them what it had been like.

“No, you don’t,” Sirius said impatiently. “I don’t just know who it is, I _know_ the person. I lied. I said it was someone I didn’t know, but it isn’t.”

“Why would you lie about _that_?” Remus asked, feeling very out of his depth. He was getting the impression that he was missing something that should be fairly obvious.

“Because I was a bit embarrassed, and I didn’t want anyone to know,” Sirius answered somewhat stiffly. “Re, it really doesn’t matter to me who your soulmate is. If it _is_ Evans, though, I’ll help you hide that from Prongs. He _would_ kill you for that.”

“Don’t I know it,” Remus said with a small grin. He then remembered what they were talking about and the grin faded. “Sirius, there are so many reasons why I don’t want a soulmate." 

“You’re being stupid,” Sirius declared with a wave of his hand, “ _and_ avoiding my question.”

“I know,” Remus muttered. Damn Sirius and his perceptiveness. “Its just, if I don’t tell anyone, then they won’t have to be stuck with me.”

“So you _do_ have one." 

Remus couldn’t make out Sirius’ face. It looked shuttered, like he was trying to hide something. “I do.”

“I don’t suppose you’ll tell me the gender, at least?” Sirius asked hopefully.

“Sirius,” Remus complained softly. “Please don’t.”

“Alright then,” Sirius surprised Remus by instantly backing off. “You don’t have to tell me anything, but can you promise to answer one question? Its yes or no.”

“Why not?” Remus agreed wryly. It wasn’t like he could deny Sirius anything anyways.

Sirius nodded, swallowed, then squared his shoulders and looked Remus in the eyes for the first time since he’d entered the room. “Is it me?”

_Shit,_ Remus thought, going stiff as a board. _Fucking shit biscuits._

Sirius watched Remus’ reaction and visibly relaxed. “Thank Merlin." 

And then he was kissing Remus. 

It only lasted a few moments before Remus pulled away, flailing slightly and really, really confused. “What the _hell_ , Sirius?” 

“You’re my soulmate,” Sirius said softly. “And seeing as you froze the second I asked, I’m guessing I’m yours.”

“I don’t understand,” Remus said, massaging his temples. “How can I be your soulmate? You said you didn’t know the person!”

“I lied,” Sirius said, looking slightly panicked. “I lied because if you knew it was you then you’d get all weird and you’d spend all your time in the library and I’d never see you and even though we’d still be friends we wouldn’t really be and the only thing I could think of worse than not being your soulmate is not being around you at all!”

Remus couldn’t do anything but stare. This wasn’t possible. How could this be possible? He wasn’t Sirius’ soulmate; he knew that. This couldn’t be real.

“Please don’t be mad at me,” Sirius begged, bringing his knees up to hide his face. “I’ll just be your friend if that’s what you want, just please don’t stop being around me. Please.”

There was a pause. 

“Why would I do that?” 

Sirius’ head shot up to see Remus smiling shyly at him “Really?”

“Well, yeah,” Remus said, ducking his head to hide the blush forming on his face. “You’re my soulmate.”

“Yeah,” Sirius agreed, a wide grin slowly taking over his face. “I am.”


End file.
